Remastered Star Trek Re-Watch: “The Man Trap”

The Man Trap - in 3D!The Man Trap
Written by some dude with lady issues
Probably directed by Marc Daniels

Season 1, Episode 1
Production episode: First!!111
Original air date:  The ’60s
Star date: April 17th.2

Mission summary

4 $4L7 \/4/\/\P1r3 7|-|r3473|\|$ 7|-|3 3|\|73rPr1$3, 4774(|<1|\|9 1|\||\|0(3|\|7 $4L7 $|-|4|<3r$ 4|\|D (r3\/\//\/\3/\/\B3r$ 4L1|<3. [*]

The Enterprise is in orbit around
M-113, a planet so boring they
didn’t bother naming it.
They beam down, but Kirk
decides a brief tickle fight
would be good for morale.
Kirk puts on the charm on
McCoy’s ex, Carter, until he
gets a closer look at her.
“Hey, sexy mama… wanna
kill all humans?”
Too bad his date sucked… all
the salt from his body!
“Is there salt on my breath?”
Back on the ship, Uhura begs
Mr. Spock to give up singing.
He resists vehemently.
Kirk and McCoy argue about
the worst Bond: Lazenby or
Moore. This’ll take awhile.
You shot 160lbs of crewman,
but could only carry 100lbs
back to the wagon.
The men admire Scotty’s
impressive working prototype
of bathtub Saurian brandy.
A crewman demands Uhura
return his tribble plushie.
David Bowie guest stars.
Is this even consensual?

Carter contemplates the new
Captain America trailer.

Spock instructs Kirk on where
to insert the dollar bills.
Spock’s horgh’an becomes
an object of infighting.
But a game of charades
lightens the mood and
relieves some tension.
Kirk finally realizes Carter’s
“suckers” weren’t a euphemism.
Oh the mistakes he’s made…

Electrolyte disturbance
is serious business.

Sparkling seems to be common
to vampires of all stripes.
But this time it kills.

The Enterprise gets the @$#!
out of there.

 

[spoiler]
Our early reviews were so short. How did we get so wordy? – EM

We let ourselves go, like Schwarzenegger. But at least were able to fix it in time. Just think, if a picture’s worth a thousand words, then these are actually longer than our usual reviews! – TA
[/spoiler]

 

Analysis

@ecmyers So Kirk is making a log entry about the fact that McCoy has only been with one woman? Nice.

@ecmyers Because “Bones” is a much better nickname than “Plum.”

@ecmyers I wonder why she calls him Plum. His favorite character in Clue? No wait, he’s a doctor, not a professor.

@ecmyers Thank God Kirk explained that in his Captain’s Log. I never would have figured out they were seeing different women.

@ecmyers Why’d Prof. Crater look so freaked when McCoy told him to cut down on his salt intake? #ifihadwrittenthis

@ecmyers Actually, Darnell probably *was* stupid enough to eat something he’s never seen before, considering. #innuendo

@ecmyers I guess that’s true of the salt vampire too, a little more literally.

@ecmyers Sorry, Uhura. Spock’s right this time—you *are* being illogical.

@ecmyers You hate opening hailing frequencies? You’re lucky you have a job.

@ecmyers Kirk: “What kills a healthy man?” Well, following strange women into the wilderness doesn’t help. #helearneditfromwatchingyou

@ecmyers Uh… Was Kirk just being racist, or are they actually delivering Mexican chili peppers to Cmdr. Jose Dominguez?

@ecmyers Is this the last time McCoy refers to the captain as “sir”? #1stepisode

@ecmyers They didn’t bring a sample of the Borgia plant to the ship before? Also, hey, his name is Sturgeon! #injokes

@ecmyers Kirk, you don’t think it’s weird that “Green” found Sturgeon dead & decided to wander around instead of telling you? #worstcrewever

@ecmyers “Stop thinking with your glands.” Ouch. Kirk’s on a roll. #potmeetkettle

@ecmyers Stop hitting on Yeoman Rand! #seriouslyworstcrewever

@ecmyers Sulu’s “Feeding the weepers?” Please don’t be a euphemism.

@ecmyers “Try taking one of those red pills you gave me last week.” Proof that Star Trek takes place in the Matrix? #itallmakesensenow

@ecmyers “Armed and able-bodied crewmen are not attacked and slaughtered this easily.” You should hire some for Enterprise. #worstcrewever

@ecmyers I didn’t know the communicators let people cut in. What phone plan is that? How many text messages do they get each month?

@ecmyers “Yellow alert” is a lot easier to say than “General Quarters 3.” #firstepisode

@ecmyers Is it just me, or does a killer onboard warrant a red alert, maybe? #ifitweremyship

@ecmyers Weird to hear Kirk call Spock “Lieutenant.” #1stepisode

@ecmyers So what killed all the salt vampires?

@ecmyers Oh, I know! Dr. Pepper.

@ecmyers Sorry.

@ecmyers But seriously, too much of that stuff will kill you.

@ecmyers Did they put salt in man traps to capture the creature? Because it looked like the salt vampire played on both teams. #badtitles

@ecmyers Ew. Crater’s in love with it? #kinky

@ecmyers Nice line: “This thing becomes wife, lover, best friend, wise man, fool, idol, slave.” #kinky

@ecmyers “My ancestors spawned in another ocean than yours did.” #kinky

@ecmyers Shoot it, McCoy!

@ecmyers It’s killing Captain Kirk. Shoot it already!

@ecmyers *sigh* That McCoy… It’s nice to know that he’s got your back, no matter what.

@ecmyers What a coincidence, Jim. I’m thinking of buffalo wings.

@ecmyers Well, that was a depressing ending. #warp1istheloneliestnumber

 

[spoiler]Eugene can, with aplomb, distill complex ideas into an eclat of 140-characters. – TA
Is that even a compliment? – EM
Do you want it to be? – TA[/spoiler]

 

Eugene’s Rating: Warp Factor 4.2856419 (on a possible scale of 1 to 6)

Torie Atkinson:

 

[spoiler]Succinct. Elegant, even. Is there anything cats can’t do? – TA[/spoiler]

 

Torie’s Rating: Warp Factor 4.0218984 (on a possible scale of 1 to 6)

Trivia: You can make a bridge out of duct tape.


Next Episode: Season 1, Episode 2 – “Charlie X.”

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About Torie Atkinson & Eugene Myers

TORIE ATKINSON is a NYC-based law student (with a focus on civil rights and economic justice), proofreader, sometime lighting designer, and former Tor.com blog editor/moderator. She watches too many movies and plays too many games but never, ever reads enough books. EUGENE MYERS has published short fiction in a variety of print and online zines as E.C. Myers. He is a graduate of the Clarion West Writers Workshop and a member of the writing group Altered Fluid. When he isn’t watching Star Trek, he reads and writes young adult fiction. His first novel, Fair Coin, is available now from Pyr.